This past year has been full of many complexities and paradoxes and just plain busyness, and has left me flustered in perplexing ways. It has taken a lot of energy out of me, while at the same time depositing some money into my bank account. I am grateful for both, since they have pushed me to reassess my life, and the direction I want to give it.
So I have been making BIG decisions, and the first one is that I am moving to a home that will facilitate a more still, contemplative life (a few of you may already know this). An aside- since I started looking for a home to move to a few months ago, I have been telling everyone that I will be moving into the new home in November. And then proceeded to drive myself crazy with indecision about exactly where to move to. But as providence would have it, I am moving in in November. And to exactly the home that I asked for- one that is retreat-like, and that will absolutely help me be centred. Still-point. Thank heavens for that.
The possibility provided by this future home has already inspired me in many ways, and has invited me to treat next year as the year I give to me. Give to myself. And so it is that I have decided to dedicate this coming year to improving my spiritual practice. I am therefore starting the year with a ten day Vipassana retreat in Jan. March and April I intend to spend on a yoga retreat centre in Hawai, come back and walk the Camino de Compostella in May/June. And then spend 3 months at a Buddhist monastery doing Seva as a Monastery Steward, cooking and doing basic care-taking of the monks who live there (in Canada). I have already applied, and have been accepted. Eek! There is also sufficient time and space to practise with them, and learn about Buddhism and intensify my practice.
I also intend to spend a month in India towards the end of the year doing a yoga teacher training course. Throughout I will be studying The Course in Miracles, my chosen spiritual path, and be applying its teachings in my daily life. I want to write about my experiences throughout, and blog, and video document it, and get help to turn it all into a documentary. All this really is about me dedicating my life towards awakening from the dream. My journey toward the Divine, to God within, so I can know Who I Really Am.
Yes I do have a bit of anxiety about finances, but am aware that work and money are not necessarily a perfect pair, having worked for almost the entire year last year on a project, and did not receive any salary from it. And I was happy, because the work fed me in fundamental ways. So am releasing that coupling, and rather uniting work and joy instead. Work as the fulfilment of purpose. Work as an expression of True Self. Work as an offer of peace and love from Self to self, and to the world. And allow for the transitioning from work to vocation.
Last year I met with Rod Suskin (an absolutely gifted astrologer/sangoma) who saw a spiritual teacher/healer in me, and a few months ago I had a profound session with a seer numerologist (some of you will know her, and thank you for the introduction!) who saw the exact same quality/trait/essence in me. Since the session with her, I have been asking to be guided to translate this essence into into real life, and this, my intentions for the coming year, feel like the start of the fulfilment of that. I feel at peace about it, albeit with some anticipatory anxiety. But I am constantly reminded to trust. Just trust. I have certainly seen enough miracles in my life to know that it I am looked after (hey even the Jeep is fixed, after 10 months of standing dead! As an aside, the jeep workshop had quoted me R40-70,000.00 to fix it. I have just spent less than R4000,00 now to fix it. And it took one day. You see, I had prayed for a miracle regarding this, and I got it!).
Yesterday I woke up with an anxiety knot in my stomach- a regular occurrence for me. I felt drawn to go for a walk. Not a run, a walk. So off I went for a walk along the promenade. The sun was bright as I left, but some mist had formed by the time I got to the sea. The sea was alive and loud, so I stopped to listen to huge jade waves demanding my attention. I felt like I could be swallowed up by them, like I could drown into nothingness in them. But somehow they were not threatening at all. So looked and listened…And a voice from within told me that “you are looked after. All you need is provided for”. As I walked home my entire being was taken over by a big radiating smile.
Please keep me in your thoughts and heart and prayers about this. I know that I can never know whether this is the right thing to do (what the hell does that mean, anyway?) or that it will all happen. We all know how I got in my way of India earlier this year(!). But you know, if Elizabeth Gilbert can do it, so can I. The alternative for me is just too unbearable. Last night before going to bed, I pulled a Faery Oracle card, and it was an auspicious card, about great new beginnings. So…I say yes…yes…yes.
Anyway, I wanted to share this with you, and ask you to please bear witness to this. Help me hold this. It feels very big.